Love Song For a Father I Couldn’t Find

The child in me that tried to touch you
has stopped seeking
I have tucked him into bed and said goodnight
The paths that I thought you walked and ran
All lead me back to where I began
And I tired of the tears and the endless fight.

I even tried to reinvent you
To the best of my child’s memory
Like building a man from Polaroids and sky
What kept me going was the belief that you
Were out there looking for me too
But you weren’t. And I still can’t answer why.

Because I know now that the man I chased was
never there, or couldn’t be
I wanted him to be a father and a friend
I wondered if he’d ever see
The worth of being a friend to me
And that disappointment still is slow to mend.

It has taken me these one and thirty
years to realize
That the parent who I sought I had to be
And the pain that I have carried for years
The unfilled lists, the uncried tears
Were from a child who only searched for me.

Oh, I did not know I turned away from the child
that searched, within,
‘Till I finally felt his touch and looked behind
But now I can see you separately
When I hold this child in the heart of me
And sing this love song for a father
I couldn’t find….